Did He Know??

Well, I usually do NOT blog about my loveless existence but today I had to let go of a part of  me that has been fighting this uphill battle…… I wonder if he ever knew??

Years ago, when my beautiful cousin Sandy Jeanty (she is the gorgeous one on the left, I am on the right…. people have said we favor one another in the past and I never thought so until I was playing around in my bathroom getting ready for night out, what do you think??) was murdered by her fiance’ it left this hole in my heart and it is NOT just because I couldn’t believe she was gone just like that, here one day and gone the next but it was also because I NEVER wanted to love again, I NEVER wanted to date again NOR did I ever see myself as being married and it was because of the abuse I had seen prior to my cousins death but her situation really had a number on me!!

I ran from relationships, I ran from two marriage proposals and what was most scary was I thought I could run away from me….. I say that to say that the person I once was NO longer lived and it killed me as I wanted so badly to love and be loved but how could that happen when I just knew I would end up hurt too, or even worse I could be killed by someone (my man or future mate for L.I.F.E) who was supposed to be there to have and to hold, through sickness and health, till death did us part!! How could I forget the way I felt that night I heard the news and pretend that I didn’t see ALL the stories in the media re: to domestic violence..??

Did He Know??

How was I supposed to tell him that I was afraid of him and though he seemed like a nice enough guy, secretly my heart raced and my body was uneasy every time we met and spoke……??

It’s been over a decade since my cousin was taken from me and in that time, I wrote a novel; “After ALL the Pain” is a fiction piece that I created and worked on for many years, the two main characters have this love that I actually envy, but then again I wrote it because I want it in my day to day living but I knew I could NEVER receive it because I was NOT ready……

Today, I am ready for the possibilities of LOVE  but I have recently discovered something about those who come into your L.I.F.E, 1. they will either stick around to find out what those little issues are that one tries to conceal or 2. they will string you along, become tired of the non verbal cues but also will lose the desire of being with you because they are truly NOT meant to be with you.. In my case, I wanted to open up, I wanted to share that there was a place I wanted to be right there in his arms, hidden from every aspect of the blatantness of the worlds foolery but he NEVER understood that the words could NOT escape my secret place of security and solitude; ironically enough, he played one game after another and utilized my own dismissal of his attempts to get back at me, “I’m so busy, You know I am really busy these days, Yup, I have been extremely busy with ………”

Well, DUH, I know you are busy but did you know why I was busy??

To you: I only said it out of frustration to be as cool as you.. I only said it because deep down inside I needed an escape from my situation fighting one pain after another, struggling some days to even stay awake as the medications that were being pumped into my system were sooooooo strong that the word drowsy written on the bottles were a complete understatement as to how I felt, I met you just a couple of years after suffering from a blood clot in my lung for crying out loud, from just being told that I would NEED to be on Dialysis possibly for the rest of my L.I.F.E, I met you when I was at my worst – fighting for my right to live again…. I said I was busy because that word actually protected me!!

Years later, you are off doing BIGGER things I could have imagined for you and I am here working on me continuously – matter of fact, I am NO longer in excruciating pain, I thankfully NEVER had to be on Dialysis for my kidney and yes my kidney function is better NOW than ever, I am living on my own in the City I LOVE, working for myself on a company I created through the grace of GoD.. I give back because of my story but mostly because of my Sandy, see while you were running around pretending to be “oh so busy”, I was staying very busy too….. I realized that though you have everything I could have ever dreamed of in a man, you could of ended up being just like the one that took my Sandy’s L.I.F.E over a dozen years ago…… Did you know that when your staff blew me off, it made me stronger?? Did you know when you wouldn’t listen to my voice as you pretended to be engaged in something more important than what I had to say, I would envision more projects and ways to help others out of their situation??

Does he know I will NOT bother him anymore as I finally have let that chapter close and though I may be missing out on something that I have NEVER had, I prefer to exist doing what I LoVe in a state of mind knowing that everything will truly be alright..

Did HE even want to Know??

Ladies (Men too), I am speaking to you who has gone through a battle, you have fought to feel loved again but are still in your situation because you don’t feel good enough to start over?? I am speaking to the one who like me has had to fight for everything you own yet still don’t know how to love what you own or even yourself, I am speaking with the ones who have lost a dear relative or friend to the hands of a monster!! I am speaking to the one who knows that he (or she) doesn’t even know your struggle but he (or she) is still there..

My dearest ones, what ever your situation is – seek help and get a fresh start!! I did through lots omg lots of prayer and going to different seminars, working with Pastors as well as going to church and I am whole again, do I miss my cousin and what her L.I.F.E could have been?? Of course I do, but that is why I am able to share this part of me with you….. Don’t be afraid of LoVe because of what has happened in the past, learn from it, grow from it and conquer whatever fear you have that is trying to stop you from getting it!!

I don’t know if “He” will ever know this and honestly, I don’t think he will care, I have grown a lot in the past few years and because of what was going on for a period of my L.I.F.E with “Him” I now am more confidant, stronger and wiser.. Oh yea, I will be less BUSY too now as I am much Better and more embracing of the possibilities too..

Your Praying Friend,

AniYa A.

 

 

 

 

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The Patience to Wait..

 

A little more than 2 weeks ago I was sitting in front of my laptop or was I putting on my coat to walk out of the door?? #Smile Either way, I was busy doing something and in the second of stillness, I heard the Lord as clearly as I am presently listening to Maya Angelous’ “Just Do Right” on Youtube, say, “Do you have the Patience to Wait??”

My first thought was directed towards my NEW desire to purchase the book, “The Wait: APowerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life” Waitby Devon Franklin and Meagan Good, Marriage & Waitingbut then it wasn’t why I was thinking about this thought… The thought came to me several times and I thought, it was regarding my constant working out and NOT seeing immediate results, or was it because I had to wait longer for my new apartment, a huge one bedroom in NYC which is the same price as what my parents pay for their mortgage in S. FL for their 6 bedroom, 4 bathroom mansion; or back to Waiting on GoD to send my Hubz to be!!

Last night during our weekly prayer service where we pray for people ALL over the world, I attend Times Square Church, in Times Square Manhattan; the answer finally hit me as to what I was hearing from GoD and why I kept receiving the message about Waiting..

Warning: this is NOT for the faint of heart………

hospWhen I left the hospital, in 08, after having to be rehabilitated from head to toe, I was deemed as disabled, I NEVER heard of the term before because I went to school and worked my whole L.I.F.E and was oblivious, I knew at a young age that I didn’t want to end up being a statistic but there I was jobless, one person I knew called me a degenerate, another “friend” said I was sick because I had HIV/ AIDS and was it true that I was dying?? (I told them I had NEVER contracted the HIV or AIDS and anyone could read my charts as I would give them full permission) Daily I fought, daily I cried, daily I started to believe I would die then one day a Pastor who would always pray for me came face to face with me and said, “AniYa A., you will live and NOT die and you will go back to TBN….”

TBN Crest Regular

She further said, that though I could NO longer work as a full time employee due to me not being able to sit for long periods of time due to the blood clot in my lung, as a Director or Producer, I needed to stay close to GoD by working with the Christian TV Station in whatever facet I was led!!

Here is one of the major turning points of my L.I.F.E

I went from handling ALL of the prayer partners on Tuesday nights, while the “Praise the Lord” taped to becoming a Prayer Partner begging for rides from Port St. Lucie to Ft. Pierce, FL. ALL I wanted to do was get out of the mental and physical jail I was in and be productive again, so I prayed for the People NO matter what..

One day as I picked up the phone to pray, though I had so many issues I battled, I said, “Good evening my name is Sister. A. How may I pray for you??” The woman on the other end said, “Ma’am, I can’t take it no more…. Please pray for me..” As I did every Tuesday night, I got my little prayer sheet ready to take her request!!

“I am ready NOW..”

“Sister A., I need prayer for my four children!!” I could hear the tears leaving the secret safe places of her eye lids..praying

“Well, what is going on, trust me I know many people who NEED prayer for their loved ones and their children!!” Now, I said this NOT knowing the response I was going to get because I NEVER could imagine that a mother could endure so much………

“My daughter has AIDS, my son is homeless with his wife and two of their children living in their car, my other daughter is in jail and my baby son is gay!!homeless

Sister A. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!”

Without a word I almost dropped the phone, I now was crying my eyes out but I put the phone on mute so she wouldn’t hear, me a Prayer Partner crying instead of saying the right words.. I gained strength after several seconds and said, with the Lord’s help, “Darling, you are one of the strongest people I have ever spoken too……”

Caller: “Sister A. how do you figure?? I am crying to you and NEED prayer for my children because ALL of their lives are in shambles and this is NOT what I expected..”

I close here, I responded by telling her NOT many people I know would have the strength she has to be calling for prayer, instead they would be drinking and smoking their problems away, but NOT her………… She was strong enough to drop everything and reach up to the source where her help came from!! psalm121-1-2

I prayed but I almost fainted as I thought about her pain, her anguish, probably her thinking that she failed miserably in L.I.F.E..

It is 8 years later and I am asking you, “Do You Have the Patience to Wait??”

To you Mother of Four, with Strength to Endure.. Do NOT Beat Yourself Up, Open the Door for Another!!

Sister AniYa A.