Why Am I Still Up?? LoLoL 

Many times we let small things get in the way of the Destiny that we often dream about, that we often pray about or like in my case that we spend a decade writing  about!!

Recently, I opened up to my business manager and totally shared details of my ongoing saga of the powerful, Sexxxii, brilliant man who captured my heart, first through my creative nature as I wrote about this pseudo relationship between him and the main character of my novel for years.. Then in person, just being him, smiling his beautiful smile, giving to those around him openly, rather freely and then she says, “AniYa, my mother always says, when you pray to GoD for something; believe you will get it and don’t push it away……”

“OMG’, I thought, ‘was she in my head or did she just have more wisdom than I fathomed??!!” Alas, I just realized that I didn’t have to question anything anymore and she was rite!!

Back to how I feel and how when our eyes met across the room, I forgot everything that ever was the matter before.. It was like I knew he was there, standing, chatting, being — him..

Him, the person I saw again after a year, looking ever so amazing and a tad bit dishelved, he didn’t have to be perfect for anyone else, because when I looked into his eyes, this time I saw something different!!

How does he know what goes on in my mind, my dreams?? How does he know the inner depths of mii?? How is it that I would drop everything to be near him, what kind of hold of does he even have on mii??

As I looked beyond the past and waved back, I noticed that words were NOT needed nor much movement..

Is this what LoVe is really like??

Respect, passion, secret messages of darn it’s been a while I just want to hug you.. It’s cool, I see you working the room, I see you doing you!! I’ll lay low for a minute but when I speak, this time it will be intentional..

Finally, I found more truth and naturally it excites mii!! I am more at peace totally, infinitely, he is revealing more to mii!!

Why am I up so late??

The more I’m up, is the more I create!!

  • Stay tuned for much more if what is turning out to be something I am coming to truly appreciate.. It’s ALL about Him & Mii!!

AniYa A.

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Did He Know??

Well, I usually do NOT blog about my loveless existence but today I had to let go of a part of  me that has been fighting this uphill battle…… I wonder if he ever knew??

Years ago, when my beautiful cousin Sandy Jeanty (she is the gorgeous one on the left, I am on the right…. people have said we favor one another in the past and I never thought so until I was playing around in my bathroom getting ready for night out, what do you think??) was murdered by her fiance’ it left this hole in my heart and it is NOT just because I couldn’t believe she was gone just like that, here one day and gone the next but it was also because I NEVER wanted to love again, I NEVER wanted to date again NOR did I ever see myself as being married and it was because of the abuse I had seen prior to my cousins death but her situation really had a number on me!!

I ran from relationships, I ran from two marriage proposals and what was most scary was I thought I could run away from me….. I say that to say that the person I once was NO longer lived and it killed me as I wanted so badly to love and be loved but how could that happen when I just knew I would end up hurt too, or even worse I could be killed by someone (my man or future mate for L.I.F.E) who was supposed to be there to have and to hold, through sickness and health, till death did us part!! How could I forget the way I felt that night I heard the news and pretend that I didn’t see ALL the stories in the media re: to domestic violence..??

Did He Know??

How was I supposed to tell him that I was afraid of him and though he seemed like a nice enough guy, secretly my heart raced and my body was uneasy every time we met and spoke……??

It’s been over a decade since my cousin was taken from me and in that time, I wrote a novel; “After ALL the Pain” is a fiction piece that I created and worked on for many years, the two main characters have this love that I actually envy, but then again I wrote it because I want it in my day to day living but I knew I could NEVER receive it because I was NOT ready……

Today, I am ready for the possibilities of LOVE  but I have recently discovered something about those who come into your L.I.F.E, 1. they will either stick around to find out what those little issues are that one tries to conceal or 2. they will string you along, become tired of the non verbal cues but also will lose the desire of being with you because they are truly NOT meant to be with you.. In my case, I wanted to open up, I wanted to share that there was a place I wanted to be right there in his arms, hidden from every aspect of the blatantness of the worlds foolery but he NEVER understood that the words could NOT escape my secret place of security and solitude; ironically enough, he played one game after another and utilized my own dismissal of his attempts to get back at me, “I’m so busy, You know I am really busy these days, Yup, I have been extremely busy with ………”

Well, DUH, I know you are busy but did you know why I was busy??

To you: I only said it out of frustration to be as cool as you.. I only said it because deep down inside I needed an escape from my situation fighting one pain after another, struggling some days to even stay awake as the medications that were being pumped into my system were sooooooo strong that the word drowsy written on the bottles were a complete understatement as to how I felt, I met you just a couple of years after suffering from a blood clot in my lung for crying out loud, from just being told that I would NEED to be on Dialysis possibly for the rest of my L.I.F.E, I met you when I was at my worst – fighting for my right to live again…. I said I was busy because that word actually protected me!!

Years later, you are off doing BIGGER things I could have imagined for you and I am here working on me continuously – matter of fact, I am NO longer in excruciating pain, I thankfully NEVER had to be on Dialysis for my kidney and yes my kidney function is better NOW than ever, I am living on my own in the City I LOVE, working for myself on a company I created through the grace of GoD.. I give back because of my story but mostly because of my Sandy, see while you were running around pretending to be “oh so busy”, I was staying very busy too….. I realized that though you have everything I could have ever dreamed of in a man, you could of ended up being just like the one that took my Sandy’s L.I.F.E over a dozen years ago…… Did you know that when your staff blew me off, it made me stronger?? Did you know when you wouldn’t listen to my voice as you pretended to be engaged in something more important than what I had to say, I would envision more projects and ways to help others out of their situation??

Does he know I will NOT bother him anymore as I finally have let that chapter close and though I may be missing out on something that I have NEVER had, I prefer to exist doing what I LoVe in a state of mind knowing that everything will truly be alright..

Did HE even want to Know??

Ladies (Men too), I am speaking to you who has gone through a battle, you have fought to feel loved again but are still in your situation because you don’t feel good enough to start over?? I am speaking to the one who like me has had to fight for everything you own yet still don’t know how to love what you own or even yourself, I am speaking with the ones who have lost a dear relative or friend to the hands of a monster!! I am speaking to the one who knows that he (or she) doesn’t even know your struggle but he (or she) is still there..

My dearest ones, what ever your situation is – seek help and get a fresh start!! I did through lots omg lots of prayer and going to different seminars, working with Pastors as well as going to church and I am whole again, do I miss my cousin and what her L.I.F.E could have been?? Of course I do, but that is why I am able to share this part of me with you….. Don’t be afraid of LoVe because of what has happened in the past, learn from it, grow from it and conquer whatever fear you have that is trying to stop you from getting it!!

I don’t know if “He” will ever know this and honestly, I don’t think he will care, I have grown a lot in the past few years and because of what was going on for a period of my L.I.F.E with “Him” I now am more confidant, stronger and wiser.. Oh yea, I will be less BUSY too now as I am much Better and more embracing of the possibilities too..

Your Praying Friend,

AniYa A.

 

 

 

 

The Patience to Wait..

 

A little more than 2 weeks ago I was sitting in front of my laptop or was I putting on my coat to walk out of the door?? #Smile Either way, I was busy doing something and in the second of stillness, I heard the Lord as clearly as I am presently listening to Maya Angelous’ “Just Do Right” on Youtube, say, “Do you have the Patience to Wait??”

My first thought was directed towards my NEW desire to purchase the book, “The Wait: APowerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life” Waitby Devon Franklin and Meagan Good, Marriage & Waitingbut then it wasn’t why I was thinking about this thought… The thought came to me several times and I thought, it was regarding my constant working out and NOT seeing immediate results, or was it because I had to wait longer for my new apartment, a huge one bedroom in NYC which is the same price as what my parents pay for their mortgage in S. FL for their 6 bedroom, 4 bathroom mansion; or back to Waiting on GoD to send my Hubz to be!!

Last night during our weekly prayer service where we pray for people ALL over the world, I attend Times Square Church, in Times Square Manhattan; the answer finally hit me as to what I was hearing from GoD and why I kept receiving the message about Waiting..

Warning: this is NOT for the faint of heart………

hospWhen I left the hospital, in 08, after having to be rehabilitated from head to toe, I was deemed as disabled, I NEVER heard of the term before because I went to school and worked my whole L.I.F.E and was oblivious, I knew at a young age that I didn’t want to end up being a statistic but there I was jobless, one person I knew called me a degenerate, another “friend” said I was sick because I had HIV/ AIDS and was it true that I was dying?? (I told them I had NEVER contracted the HIV or AIDS and anyone could read my charts as I would give them full permission) Daily I fought, daily I cried, daily I started to believe I would die then one day a Pastor who would always pray for me came face to face with me and said, “AniYa A., you will live and NOT die and you will go back to TBN….”

TBN Crest Regular

She further said, that though I could NO longer work as a full time employee due to me not being able to sit for long periods of time due to the blood clot in my lung, as a Director or Producer, I needed to stay close to GoD by working with the Christian TV Station in whatever facet I was led!!

Here is one of the major turning points of my L.I.F.E

I went from handling ALL of the prayer partners on Tuesday nights, while the “Praise the Lord” taped to becoming a Prayer Partner begging for rides from Port St. Lucie to Ft. Pierce, FL. ALL I wanted to do was get out of the mental and physical jail I was in and be productive again, so I prayed for the People NO matter what..

One day as I picked up the phone to pray, though I had so many issues I battled, I said, “Good evening my name is Sister. A. How may I pray for you??” The woman on the other end said, “Ma’am, I can’t take it no more…. Please pray for me..” As I did every Tuesday night, I got my little prayer sheet ready to take her request!!

“I am ready NOW..”

“Sister A., I need prayer for my four children!!” I could hear the tears leaving the secret safe places of her eye lids..praying

“Well, what is going on, trust me I know many people who NEED prayer for their loved ones and their children!!” Now, I said this NOT knowing the response I was going to get because I NEVER could imagine that a mother could endure so much………

“My daughter has AIDS, my son is homeless with his wife and two of their children living in their car, my other daughter is in jail and my baby son is gay!!homeless

Sister A. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!”

Without a word I almost dropped the phone, I now was crying my eyes out but I put the phone on mute so she wouldn’t hear, me a Prayer Partner crying instead of saying the right words.. I gained strength after several seconds and said, with the Lord’s help, “Darling, you are one of the strongest people I have ever spoken too……”

Caller: “Sister A. how do you figure?? I am crying to you and NEED prayer for my children because ALL of their lives are in shambles and this is NOT what I expected..”

I close here, I responded by telling her NOT many people I know would have the strength she has to be calling for prayer, instead they would be drinking and smoking their problems away, but NOT her………… She was strong enough to drop everything and reach up to the source where her help came from!! psalm121-1-2

I prayed but I almost fainted as I thought about her pain, her anguish, probably her thinking that she failed miserably in L.I.F.E..

It is 8 years later and I am asking you, “Do You Have the Patience to Wait??”

To you Mother of Four, with Strength to Endure.. Do NOT Beat Yourself Up, Open the Door for Another!!

Sister AniYa A.

Moonlit Sky

At the end of the day, while the sun slowly makes it’s way into another world, where the moon re-visits the mystical sky; the only question to ask is who are you??

I mean like, for real and where do you really want to be??

Maybe in someone’s warm arms other than your own, holding you tightly while their breath simultaneously meets yours….

Moments ago, I was looking at someone’s pictures and though I often see them face to face, in the beginning of this weird little dance I dismissed every notion of physical attraction but as sure as day turns into dusk and the dusk turns into dawn feelings creep in with an insurmountable amount of motion that leaves me yearning for more..

The funny thing is, just as L.I.F.E would have it, he is NOT even free to be with me!!

But then again, is he??

On this journey called L.I.F.E as the dawn eventually turns back into dusk and the sun returns into its highly sought after position, I will keep these intimate feelings to myself and pray that one day, I will be able to whisper his name into the the mystical sky as he whispers mine..

Ahhhhhhhh, yes that sweet day will come even if it is in and out of time!!

 

I bid you ALL a faire adieu – Carpe Diem..

Psalms 41

It was a windy day and it was as if a tornado was sweeping through The Treasure Coast. I had just volunteered to take a friend to the doctor as her baby (whom I loved very much) was not feeling good and though it was a nasty day out, I could not see the baby suffering. Upon me dropping my friend off at the doctor with her precious infant, I decided to take a trip to visit Mama Hazel and Mama Linda of  In the Image of Christ in Ft. Pierce, anytime I was going through something I knew going to visit these two would change my perspective and I would feel better too!

Moments after I walked in Mama Linda had me to sit down and Mama Hazel shared that they were having an event and that she had just picked the Bible verse to add to the program; without hesitation, she asked me if I wanted to hear it?

I said, yes I would!

“Psalms 41 says: Blessed is he that considereth the poor: the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble. The Lord will preserve him, and keep him alive; and he shall be blessed upon the earth: and thou wilt not deliver him unto the will of his enemies. The Lord will strengthen him upon the bed of languishing: thou wilt make all his bed in his sickness. I said, Lord, be merciful unto me: heal my soul; for I have sinned against thee. Mine enemies speak evil of me, When shall he die, and his name perish? And if he come to see me, he speaketh vanity: his heart gathereth iniquity to itself; when he goeth abroad, he telleth it. All that hate me whisper together against me: against me do they devise my hurt. An evil disease, say they, cleaveth fast unto him: and now that he lieth he shall rise up no more.  Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me. But thou, O Lord, be merciful unto me, and raise me up, that I may requite them. By this I know that thou favourest me, because mine enemy doth not triumph over me. And as for me, thou upholdest me in mine integrity, and settest me before thy face for ever. Blessed be the Lord God of Israel from everlasting, and to everlasting. Amen, and Amen.”

Mama Hazel read this scripture with so much joy in her heart and as she spoke Mama Linda smiled her sweet smile, while I thought to myself, “How did she know I needed to hear that at this exact second?” That’s when it became rather clear that it wasn’t her who knew but it was GoD in HIS Divine Mercy and Grace.

* * *

It’s like this, my brethren while we are going through the most horrendous situations in our lives we tend to want to give up because we do NOT expect hardships NOR do we expect to make it through to the other side of pain. That day I stopped into the headquarters of one of my most favorite Ministries, I just wanted to be in the presence of women whom share pieces of their hearts with me. These women are so loving, compassionate and caring that I could be boo whoo crying and ALL they have to do is look into my eyes and say a simple word. Tonight, this message is for someone going through a battle in decision making.

This message is NOT a typical message that I would write as it is actually going to give someone an answer they have been seeking GoD for, here is the Divine Revelation of why this is going to answer a question for you! NOT only is it Divinely Appointed for me to share it before the midnight hour but it is also because you have been wanting to go into one direction, maybe into a ministry that you had your heart set on but you have been conflicted in your spirit as now you are changing your mind but are NOT sure if you are making the right choice. Tonight, the Lord is saying, come to HIM, sit still in HIS presence and know that HE is here with you! You will get the sign you have been seeking and it has to do with helping those in NEED of what you can help them with.

YOU, yes YOU, have a special gift that brightens others days when you are near and sometimes when you are NOT making others smile, you feel down and out. Wow, do you know what I am talking about? I believe YOU do…… The Lord does and did know you would read this and HE is saying it’s ok, let HIM HELP YOU!

{To Mama Hazel and Mama Linda, I don’t know if you understand how much you have encouraged me throughout the years but that day was sooooooo special to me and I will never ever ever forget it and I pray for you 2 always too}

Have a #Blessed night.

AniYa A.